I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
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Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
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Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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