I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
