Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i need some magic done to my vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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