i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
