If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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