Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
