when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
