Swine flu is the new snow day.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
