How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
