mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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