My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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