Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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