really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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