I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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