I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
