The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
