people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
