Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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