i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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