And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
