i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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