I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
