Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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