if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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