She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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