How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
