my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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