her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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