Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
