Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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