I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
