last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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