K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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