So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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