you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
tell me about the eggs
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