hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
