did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
