I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize