I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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