I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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