he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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