She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize