forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
