i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
