What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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