Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
