My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
