And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
