You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
