Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
