when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
