never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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