then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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