so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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