So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
